Lucky there’s a family guy, v2.0

John McCain - Crazy Old CootWhen George Stephanopoulos asked John McCain how he felt about gay adoption, no rx McCain yammered and stammered through an awkward response. “I think that two parent families are best for America,” he said. “It is important for us to emphasize family values.” Sounding not unlike the bubble headed Miss South Carolina he elaborated, “I’m running for President of the United States because I want to help with family values. And I think that family values are important when we have two parent, uh, families that are, uh, parents that are the traditional family.”

And, like a malfunctioning Paula Prentiss wifey-bot, he added repetitively, “I am for the values that two parent families — the traditional family represents… I am for the values and principles that two parent families represent.”

Of course, John McCain — being the typical family values Republican — knows better than most what can happen to a child when they’re forced to grow up in a non-traditional family. Because he forced three of his own children to grow up in a non-traditional single-parent home when he abandoned their mother for his much younger, prettier, and wealthier girlfriend — Anheuser-Busch beer heiress Cindy Lou Hensley.

Actually, court records show that McCain was still married to his first wife when he obtained a marriage license to marry his socialite mistress. How’s that for tradition?

Cindy McCain’s estimated worth exceeds $100 million, and her personal fortune has helped finance her husband’s political ambitions. In short, the glassy-eyed Bree Van de Kamp lookalike is John McCain’s sugar mama. But he still treats his 18-years-younger wife like a twenty-dollar whore.

Earlier this week McCain took his (second) family and his presidential campaign to a notoriously debauched biker rally in Sturgis, South Dakota. During a stump speech the Republican presidential nominee — who was the opening act for celebrity sex tape star and American flag desecrater Kid Rock — invited a crowd of sloppy drunk bikers to pour some sugar on his sugar mama by volunteering his wife for the topless and “occasionally bottomless” Miss Buffalo Chip beauty pageant. Their daughter Meghan was also on hand to witness the shameless pimping of her mother.

Is John McCain so desperate for votes that he has to offer his wife’s tits to a bunch of horny slobs? Or is he just clueless? Did anyone on his staff bother to find out what goes on at this contest? Did he know that the prospective First Lady would have to simulate oral sex on a banana in order to win the coveted Miss Buffalo Chip crown? And doesn’t he know what the term buffalo chip means?

But I suppose being likened to a dried up piece of bovine shit is an upgrade for Cindy McCain. She once made a crack about John McCain’s receding hairline in front of reporters, and McCain famously replied, “At least I don’t plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt!”

Oh, and did you hear the one about the cunt who got raped and nearly beaten to death by a gorilla? She liked it! LOL If you didn’t laugh at that joke, it’s probably because I told it wrong. The gorilla rape joke is so much funnier when John McCain tells it.

Ah, Republican family values… Where would we be if we didn’t have their bright, shining hilltop beacon to follow?


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